Dear BPU & TCF Leadership (and a couple conference committee members):

First of all, you can relax. I promise that this is my final email (for the time being) and it doesn't require a reply. I would guess that you have had enough of this saga to last you a lifetime. I just want to do a summary of what has evolved, try to simplify what I really intended to communicate all along, and mention a couple of things that have "come to me" from others during the week. If I get anything wrong, which is very possible, I'm pretty sure someone will let me know.

In the beginning, I emailed BPU and TCF separately because I had different questions for each group. I have now combined the two groups' leadership and a few individual members. I have blind copied the addresses. I am doing this because both organizations appear to have the same intent: To support bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings. I also share that mission.

After receiving replies from a few of you in each group, it appears that my initial questions did nothing but put folks on the defensive. That was not what I planned. I began this dialogue hoping it could be a catalyst for change. My goal was never to alienate or attack the principles, the leaders of TCF or BPU, or their past performance. Please accept my sincere apologies if my initial questions or my responses to any one of you were perceived as antagonistic.

However, even after the thorough explanations I received from both groups, I still believe there is a need, if not an obligation, for change. I would like to state my opinion here, on the record, one final time. Please note that some of you are already doing some of the things I've listed below. My purpose in doing this is not to reserve a spot (or lose one) as a workshop presenter (I am honored whenever I am invited to present) but to verify my convictions, based on my experience as a member of both of your groups, a founder, chapter leader, and newsletter editor for Wind River TCF, a workshop presenter for BPU, and a bereaved parent and sibling.

* Grief support organizations that honor diversity are inclusive, rather than exclusive. They embrace acceptance and respect. They recognize that each person is unique and acknowledge individual differences. They explore these differences in a safe and nurturing environment to facilitate healing. They value each member and move beyond simple tolerance to welcome and honor them.
* Grief support organizations that honor diversity welcome all constructive beliefs (or absence of any) and they allow the expression of those beliefs to individuals who CHOOSE to listen.
* The bereaved have a right to choose how they will heal, when they will heal, and even IF they will heal.
* The bereaved have a right to explore a multitude of options for healing. Conference workshops should be diverse. There should be workshops designed for different cultures, different religions, different losses, and different beliefs.
* Prohibiting a specific religion, faith, loss, belief, or any healing process as a policy or position, without a valid reason, is not appropriate. (i.e. paranormal, which means ‘the unexplained; not scientifically proven,' covers pretty much ALL the belief systems and religions I know. Therefore, stating that something is not allowed because it is paranormal is not a valid reason.)
* Events that all participants attend should have no religious content, unless the participants are aware in advance of the specific focus. If they are going to hear a Christian song, then it should be in the program. If they are going to listen to a priest talk about his experiences with god, they should know prior to the keynote. If they are going to hear John Edward speak (just an example, not to worry . . .) of his experiences with life after death, the audience should know beforehand.
* Workshop presenters, in a perfect world, should be compensated for their expenses.
* Workshop presenters who submit proposals that are ultimately not approved should be given a complete and detailed reason for the rejection. (Note: Bereaved parents have an incredible need to “give back” to those walking behind them on the journey. We need to help. We need to share. We want to tell others what our lifeline was and how it helped us. By denying us that opportunity, sometimes over and over again, and then offering no rhyme or reason for the decision, you are setting up a roadblock at a critical avenue for healing.)
* Workshop presenters who submit proposals that are accepted should receive, in addition to an impersonal email, an acknowledgement that goes further. Something like- “We’re delighted to have you . . . Your workshop will serve our attendees because . . . Is there anything else you would like to clarify about your workshop or anything you else you will need?” A conference committee member should greet each workshop presenter before the conference and make sure they feel welcome.
* Organizations should send a performance survey (How are we doing? What can we do better?) and a needs assessment (What are we missing?) out to their membership annually. There should be room on the form for comments about what members would like to see added or removed at the local level, at the National office level, and at the national conferences.